My 78-year-old mom is having surgery on the 22nd to replace a heart valve. I am a swirling mess of conflicting emotions and I don't know where to start.

I thought I had forgiven her, but maybe I haven't. I thought I would be relieved when she dies, but maybe I won't. I thought I was grown-up enough to cope with anything about her that comes my way, but my inner 3-year-old is out in force (I'm not DID, but I do have a strong concept of "little me"). I miss my dad. I miss feeling like a capable, competent, reasonably mentally healthy (albeit heavily medicated, LOL) adult. I *hate* feelings. If there were a way to avoid having them, I would give it a shot. They're too complicated and too painful and I never know where to go with them, especially when it comes to big, bad pieces of my past.

Can anybody help?

Candy