I used to tell myself that all I want is to have good friends and family. That I would offer friendship and charity to anybody in need. And that above all the most important thing in life is to do what's right, and be a good person.

But my emotions drive me to insane thoughts, when I listen to music and think about the things that interest me they don't seem to represent good things.

People don't look at me the same I look at myself and I don't see things the same way that most people do. I say what I logically think is benign and peaceful, and friendly, yet I feel like I have just alienated myself from the person entirely and emotionally.

I have never had good friends except for a person I confided in recently while I was in the midst of going insane. And his friends accepted me as well.

At this point I have gone through a madness the likes of which I hope nobody else will ever experience, and in the process I basically have forsaken every law that I have ever lived by mentally and emotionally... Just because I wanted to find out what people want me to do.

When I listen to the music that ignites my passion, it is a relief from every other thing which kills me emotionally. But listening to it brings thoughts of strange beings, war, destruction, unfathomable monsters even.

Now I cannot feel without my emotion being tied consciously to an insane thought... Everything that causes happiness and everything that causes sadness, I feel that an image comes to my head, that the emotion must mean something. And I tie all of my feelings to the music...everything else in life is disappointing to me now.

If i were to stop listening to music, the only thing that would bring me joy is to walk outside and enjoy the fresh air. People alienate me and life is harsh... I don't know if there is a cure for what I am having but to be honest I just want to be able to think and feel emotion, and live like a normal human being again. Let alone being accepted and having friends. I would be content to sit down and write an essay like I used to, without thoughts of subconscious meaning and strange creatures and dreams and underlying thoughts and meanings and strange things that all tie in and such.

Strong feelings...are too much now.
Emotion is the thing that causes me insanity now...
Without my emotion and my subconscious I feel like I can't think except in absolutes...

In other words, how does one learn to think and feel normally? Any advice pls let me know. If you want I can explain my problem further but it's a doozy so I try to keep it shorter than it is (infinitely long)