I can see a lot of self-hatred in you, and I resonate this for myself.

But I also suspect someone may have already abused you in the past, and I also suspect you have taken on board their guilt, I also suspect that you somehow think you deserve to be treated like this.

The truth is you didn't and still don't, and one day, the self-loathing will ease off a bit, and you will learn to love yourself and forgive yourself and one day you'll realise that you deserve to be treated nicely, and you don't deserve to get abused.

Just speculating on what you've said here - sorry if I got it widely wrong.