Don't be ashamed of your feelings. The fact that you are in touch with them is good. You can work through them like you say you do. To ignore them would just cause more harm to everyone than good. You are doing something about it, and if it works for you don't knock it. All people entertain gay thoughts one time or another in their lives. It is a part of the human existence. Don't associate your sexuality with abuse or experiences of what happened to you. You lived beyond it so don't attach yourself to the past. Let it go and look at your gorgeous wife and ravage her... you will do fine. Blessings.