First, good news: my T and I have had no conflicts for like 3 months. We are getting along so well. Also, I quit smoking for a couple weeks now. Even with all my anxiety, I still haven't smoked!
And now to group therapy. I have no issues with the DBT. I'm having issues with the people. I'm the youngest by like 20 years. It's nice to hear from older people because they've tend to have more wisdom? Anyways. They treat me as if I'm younger, as if I was their child. 2 weeks ago I actually found some courage to speak up. I told the group that I felt like they were minimizing my experiences and my feelings. They all apologized...except for the group T...
Now for group T. I have a deep fear of men. I do my absolute best to never be alone with a guy unless he's family. All my doctors: female. When in the ER, I ask for a female nurse and my fiance has been there with me every time (because most ER doctors are male). Off track again... So I have already judged my group T just because he's male. I have also judged him for his appearance. He's tall and skinny. He looks like a cross btwn a hippy and a nerd. But the part that bothers me is his beard. It makes him look so creepy to me. It's like he's hiding behind a mask. And he's always scratching it. And I'm also judging him because he's an intern. He seems to have this ideal view of the mental health system. He says that the homeless rate in our county is low and there's no people out on a corner begging for money. B.S.! I have been homeless! I have lived with people who were in the system. I've watched people who have no home being kicked to the street with no resources. And just a few months ago there was a young pregnant girl on the corner begging. I could go on, but I think I covered the jist of it.
Well, 2 weeks ago, my group T and I had another disagreement about our counties resources. This session is also where I felt like I was being minimized. The women apologized and explained their intentions. But not T. He pulls out a book written by a concentration camp survivor. It made me feel even more minimized. How can what I've gone through compare to what those people have gone through? It can't. My life is a pretty good life. Many people would be happy with my life/resources. But still I suffer. Does my suffering have no meaning? Am I just a pathetic excuse of a life? The suffering feels real to me.
I talked to my individual T about my issues with group. I told her that I feel like quitting the group. She told me to need to meet with him, face-to-face and try to resolve this. So I wrote group T:
Quote:
Group T,
I talked to T this week. I told her that I'm thinking about quitting group. She told me that I need to talk to you in person before making that decision. She gave me permission to have another one-on-one session with you.
I just feel like you and I keep "butting heads". Our perception of the mental health field differ. I have the client/patient point of view, and you have the professional point of view. But it's more than just opposing opinions.
I feel like my feelings and experience are being minimized. Last week I was brave enough to say something in the moment. The women all apologized and helped me understand where they were coming from. But not you. Instead, you take out the book written by a concentration camp survivor. I felt like you were comparing his suffering to my own. Yes, he went through horrific events, but that doesn't mean his suffering is greater than mine. Even T agrees.
So I leave it up to you if you want to have a session with me or if I'm just too much to deal with.
|
His response:
Quote:
|
I'm going to continue encouraging you to use your voice and make decisions for yourself. It is up to you whether or not you want to keep coming to group. If you want to schedule a one on one with me thats fine too. I have time Tuesday at noon-1:00, Wednesday after 6:30pm or next Saturday after 4:00pm.
|
His response felt so cold. He wants me to use my voice? Umm that's why I was emailing him!?!? Instead of reacting, I waited for my next session with individual T to get help processing this. She agreed that the group T's response was such a "therapist" response. She said she could see how I interpreted the way I did. She said he doesn't know me the same way she knows me. I told her that I feel like he's judging me based on the Borderline. She told me that since he is an intern, he is open to feedback and that I should teach him. We compared it to me teaching her how to be a supportive T for me. So she said email him back and simply agree to a time to meet with him; nothing else. So I did. And we will meet Tuesday.
Normally, I wouldn't put up with this ****. But group is overall good for me. My T said to try and just put up with group T. Just focus on the members. If things get so bad that I can't stand to be in his presence then leave the group. My T is worried for me because I already don't have much support, and not only do I risk losing the group, I'm also at risk for seeing my mom every Wednesday (because of money issues). I know T is right. I'm kind of in a balanced state right now. I have stressors, but am coping. I'm not smoking, I'm not cutting. My diet and exercise... eh. Let's not talk about that
And I'm doing fairly well atm with the loss of ex-T (it's now been almost 9 months). I don't really want to lose a huge portion of my support right now.
My T and I decided that I should write a letter to group T and read it to him next visit. The letter will keep me on track and hopefully keep my emotions to a minimum. I'm scared though. I'm scared to be alone in a room with him again. I'm scared he's going to pull off "I never said that" or "Did I say those exact words to you?" Or worse...."and how does that make you feel?" I hate when Ts use therapy talk.