I always felt I was missdxed because I thought where was the hypo and or mania. Well these memories keep opening up for me. I find myself rattling off to anyone I can find to tell. My middle and late teens were a time of begging my dr’s for help, what I did not know, just help with the feelings and anger that consumed me. They flooded me with valium but I never took any. I was looking for someone to talk too but back then all they knew was pills , pills, and more pills,. Sound familar, but these were gp’s. . No psych’s till I was in collage. I remember my first visit... where I removed my handgun, unloaded it and laid it on the floor thinking this will put him at ease and show that I TRUST HIM.. Well for some reason he did not feel that way and ask me to never come back. There was the summer I drove around with a sawed off shotgun and a 357 colt pistol in the front seat hoping and praying I would hear a cry for help so I could become the avenging angel of the lord.. I could go on and on. ... the bible collage where I KNEW I would save the world but would die by 33 like the christ. ... I used to think these were just the trials all young men went thru, but as I share with others I begin to wonder ... I can find no one that had the emotion the intensity I had, ... I am beginning to wonder was this hypo, was this mania. ... I really don’t know but I now have great doubt in who I though I was ... Yes Virginia maybe just maybe I am really that nuts .... Tigger.

ps: at least I am sleeping better ...