Hi Roofal, and welcome!

You make what I think are some very valid self-observations; I imagine it would be hard for anyone with a good degree of self-awareness to not be at least somewhat complicit in the engineering of one's psychiatric relationships and outcomes. Try as I might to take myself out of the equation in that regard, to let the trajectory of therapy be entirely guided by the professionals, ultimately I've found it can end up being counterproductive. I suppose a blank canvas is overwhelming for any artist, so to speak.

I personally have found a great deal of relief and grounding in getting psych drugs out of my life. It was initially a hard road getting re-acclimated to life without them, but it was also a hard road getting on with them, and there's far less side effects this way. Plus I feel more ownership in the progress I make now, and in the feelings I manifest. I know they help a lot of people, but they were a mixed blessing at best for me. I'm pretty much au naturel these days, save for a very occasional, very low dose of clonazepam.

I wish you excellent spiritual focus and luck with your process!