My therapist visit was very hard again. He is really pushing at me hard and I cried all the way through today. He says that I'm struggling with seeing my brother and it upsets me and makes me feel worse but I ignore him telling me not to do it. And he was very clear that it's not good, that I need to quit trying to make things all ok with my family when I can't do that, etc. So I guess I'm probably going to skip out on Christmas with my brother. I hate making my mom do it herself but he's right, it's not good for me right now and after the sentencing today I'm more upset and need more time. I had written my brother a letter about how angry I am and he read it to me and it was hard then to deny that yes, I have some very strong emotions I am fighting with right now. And honestly my mom at this point is going against what she has been saying she'd do and is fixing things for my brother that make it so that he doesn't feel the pain of some of his sentence. Which I both understand and am resentful of. I think I just need some time to cope with it all and right now is not it.

I'm sorry you are going through kind of thing too. It's very hard. This lasted 20 months for us so part of the emotional stuff now is that it actually has an ending. There's still a lot that will happen and we don't yet know the terms of probation yet but at least one part of it is over.

It's a very confusing thing to go through. I have so many mixed emotions that I don't know where to start sorting them. Tonight I am trying to take a break from it since I cried so much in therapy that my eyes are sore. I don't really want to cry more, although I have a few times. I am trying to just hang out and rest tonight. No Christmas sewing, no thinking, just resting.

I agree with your therapist. In my case the grieving part was done mostly a long time ago. I left the anger to deal with when he was presumably sentenced to jail and then that didn't happen so now I'm dealing with that as a whole different thing.

I wish I could see my therapist tomorrow or something. I have a big question for him and while it will hold until Monday I wish I'd thought to ask it today. Plus I think I need reassurance that it's ok. He gave me that at the end but even when he tells me he's not mad when he pushes like that it feels like he is mad. I know he is really pushing hard to break through my numb barrier, and he did, and I know and understand why, but it's hard when we have sessions like that one. He's right and that is hard; I just have no more arguments left. He's right. It just hurts a lot to admit it.

Anyway, court day was rough but it might have been easier if my therapist and I didn't have bad timing on this encounter. Still hard, yesterday anticipating it was hard, but maybe not quite this hard.