Before I even logged on I was seriously about title my post something along the lines of this... and Sister, when I saw yours, I figured it was absolutely appropriate.

I don't even know what the %#@&#! happened yesterday. It was horrible. I barely spoke the entire time. He barely spoke the entire time. I told him I was really mad at him. I told him he was so far away.

Last week I called my pdoc for some more Klonopin. So when I came into the session T said, "I know that you called Dr. P. for more meds. He called them into the pharmacy, but from now on even if you want to take Klonopin and no other meds, you still have to see Dr. P. regularly." Fine. I can understand that. Then this, "Dr. P also said that we do have another psychiatrist here and maybe you should see him."

"A second opinion" is was it was referred to.

2nd opinion? If I see a new pdoc, that will be my 7th in 8 years. I would have thought that I'd gathered all the opinions necessary by now.

I didn't say much about it at the time because I really didn't feel like it.

But later on last night I began to process those feelings. And I started to think... am I such a difficult patient that my pdoc really needs to refer me out? Don't get me wrong-- I don't even really like the guy. I am not attached in any stretch of the imagination. I just feel like a lost cause. He was my 6th psychiatrist. Then I started to get really scared that T probably feels this way too, and maybe soon he will say, "Perhaps someone else can help you better," and try to refer me out.

T said that I could call him later that night because I told him that after a session like this I would probably just explode. He said, "Can't you explode over the phone?"

So I called him later that night. But I didn't explode. I had already SI'ed and I told him that I did, and that it didn't even do anything for me. That I was numb, there was no emotion attached. I told him I was beginning to process what had been said about the pdoc and that was affecting me.

I did not say to him what I really wanted to say.

I wanted to say: I felt so far away and disconnected from you, and you did nothing to make it easier.