Hypomania has been my main condition over the years, and I have had periods of great inspiration and success. But, I am just past the most severe and prolonged manic phase of my life. I was fired a few weeks ago and so I've lost my health insurance. I know this problem will reach a new and scary level now that I'm off the medicine. I'm a nervous wreck.

I had a good interview yesterday, but now the company is going to do a background check. My consumer profile is very poor, so I'm anxious about this as well. If I should manage to pass the background check, next up will be a drug screen I may not pass. It's been about a month since I last self-medicated with marijuana, but I failed a test just two days ago.

I don't know what to do. I know what not to do, at least. There are people who love me and need me, including my elderly mother and my young son. No matter what, I need a beating heart. But the sad and scary thing is that I only see this as another option that is not open to me.