Hi, I don't know if this makes any sense to you guys, but couple weeks ago in the middle of a severe depressive episode, my therapist said my problem was that I had started to rely on other people to provide me with compassion, love, care, and due to guilt or fear or whatever reason, had not given myself permission to develop a loving place inside. That this puts me at the mercy of every interaction (mainly with my parents) to decide how I will feel the rest of the week.

I told her I can't and it makes me vulnerable to be kind to myself and also feels weird. I said I hate vulnerability, partly cause mom used to crush it in herself and in me growing up, but also because I don't know what to do do with vulnerability, and for me to care for myself, to go into that place that's soft and loving in me, when in the middle of problems and difficulties in the outside world, it frightens me, like it doesn't feel safe, like I have to be enraged and angry to feel ready to face the world in those circumstances. I need armor and high walls and hypervigilance.

But my therapist seemed fed up a bit and she said but that's my problem, I am unable to let go, and that's why I can't sleep despite us having tried several medications, that's why I'm always extremely tense and have all these body aches. She said after trauma something happened in me and I have turned my back on my caring and loving place inside.

So since then I been trying to think back to see if I even had that place and how that place will be different in a guy who is in his 30s, like if it's a childish place, like what does it look like. Is it all that "child inside" talk or is it something else. My therapist left it to me to figure it out but I am struggling with it big time, thinking for me to imagine and create and eventually retire to such place after a hard day and after bad things happening in my world outside, feels so unsafe.

Appreciate comments, and if criticisms, please be kind. Thank you very much.