I know depression can give outsiders the impression that you are lazy. I also know that depression frequently comes with negative self talk telling you that you are, in fact, lazy. But at this point, I'm beginning to wonder... Maybe I AM just lazy.

Everything feels really weird this time around. This time, it hasn't been anything like any of my previous episodes of major depression. I'm not filled with absolute self-loathing, I'm not angry, I'm just... here. On the one hand, I feel like I've lost my motivation, but on the other, I feel like I haven't. It's like a motivation with procrastination (and I'm not a procrastinator when I'm stable). I still feel fairly optimistic about my future, and at the same time, feel like my future is going to be a stay at home wife because that's all it seems like I can handle (and then I try to be optimistic about that, like I could use the break from stress). I'm still laughing, but I'm also isolating. Sometimes I almost feel like I'm in a good mood, even if I had a terrible day. It... almost feels like I'm on vacation. Like I've given up on my responsibilities so completely, that I don't have any, like I'm not supposed to be doing work. I'm a pro at avoidance when I'm anxious or depressed, but in the past, it has always been... well.. depressing. I'm semi-functional, but that seems to be decreasing.

I guess the best way to describe what I'm feeling is detached. I think. I'm not sure.

I started a medication in September that I hadn't been on since my "guinea pig days" back in high school. I'm not sure if that's affecting things or not, but I think it might be. Is it possible that it could be making me feel "good" despite being depressed? Does that even make sense?

I have a T, but it's a little irregular. My next appointment isn't until January, but I'm on her cancellation list, so I'll probably see her at least once before then. I see my pdoc in about two weeks, so I'm definitely going to mention my concerns about my medication to her, but unless she suggests it, I probably won't change my meds, since they seem to be "working"...ish.

I'm just not sure what to do.

Anyways, thanks for reading. I mostly just needed to get that out there, and if anyone replies, it's a bonus.