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Originally Posted by Partless
Hi, I don't know if this makes any sense to you guys, but couple weeks ago in the middle of a severe depressive episode, my therapist said my problem was that I had started to rely on other people to provide me with compassion, love, care, and due to guilt or fear or whatever reason, had not given myself permission to develop a loving place inside. That this puts me at the mercy of every interaction (mainly with my parents) to decide how I will feel the rest of the week.
I told her I can't and it makes me vulnerable to be kind to myself and also feels weird. I said I hate vulnerability, partly cause mom used to crush it in herself and in me growing up, but also because I don't know what to do do with vulnerability, and for me to care for myself, to go into that place that's soft and loving in me, when in the middle of problems and difficulties in the outside world, it frightens me, like it doesn't feel safe, like I have to be enraged and angry to feel ready to face the world in those circumstances. I need armor and high walls and hypervigilance.
But my therapist seemed fed up a bit and she said but that's my problem, I am unable to let go, and that's why I can't sleep despite us having tried several medications, that's why I'm always extremely tense and have all these body aches. She said after trauma something happened in me and I have turned my back on my caring and loving place inside.
So since then I been trying to think back to see if I even had that place and how that place will be different in a guy who is in his 30s, like if it's a childish place, like what does it look like. Is it all that "child inside" talk or is it something else. My therapist left it to me to figure it out but I am struggling with it big time, thinking for me to imagine and create and eventually retire to such place after a hard day and after bad things happening in my world outside, feels so unsafe.
Appreciate comments, and if criticisms, please be kind. Thank you very much.
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I understand what you're feeling. It's hard for me to be kind to myself, too. And it can be difficult for me to believe that other people (including my husband, T, and marriage counselor, plus friends/family) could accept and care about me despite my various faults and issues.
At one point a few months ago, my marriage counselor (who sometimes provides what's basically individual therapy to me within our joint sessions) seemed to have a sudden realization about what I was saying and feeling. He was like, "Do you ever just feel like there's a void inside of you, and no one can completely fill it?" I thought for a few seconds and was like, "Actually, yes, I think I do." He said that no one could fill it for me, that I had to figure out how to do that for myself, but said that he and my T (and my H) could support me and help me in figuring out how to do that.
What you're describing reminds me of that. I've worked on it some with my individual T, but it's hard, when you've been used to feeling and thinking a certain way for a long time (I'm 38), to change that.
It sounds like your T is observing something like this, but is almost being critical of you for it? Which isn't fair. She should be trying to help you work through it, whatever that involves. Could be addressing stuff from your past or present, changing thought patterns (that's kind of a cognitive-behavioral thing), etc. I'm definitely still working on it, but I don't feel from my T or MC that they're being impatient or, as you said, fed up with me. (OK, maybe a little bit at times, if I won't accept credit for something I did well.)
I'd tell your T that you need help figuring it out. It's not going to happen overnight, and your T should realize that. Her job is to help you get through it and figure it out.
Hope this helps somehow!