|
Dec 06, 2015, 04:58 AM
|
 |
|
|
Member Since: Dec 2015
Location: I do not live - I exist
Posts: 8
|
|
 All my life i have battled the voices in my head. Their constant whispers echo through my whole being and resonate a song of emptiness in my soul. They are always there to predict my failures and remind me that I am useless. But it's not just the voices in my head; the world outside me utters whispered threats and speaks of my imminent decline. In conversations that I can't quite make out, my mind fills in the blanks. Every "she" is of course me. And every word a statement of malcontentment. Even in their silence, I hear cries of disappointment . It is only a matter of time before they flee from me. Still, even in my solitude, the madness prevails. Alone and silent I feel her there, always inside me, always watching, waiting - waiting for her chance to be free. Though I don't know how she got there, I think she's always been there, quietly judging and biding her time. She looks like me and sounds like me, but her actions and behaviour differ greatly. She is rude and bossy and generally mean spirited, yet I admire her strength and resilience. She is not so much a voice, but an essence - a me that I wish I could be. But she is not me, for I am not her. She is Jules, that's who she's always been. I am aware of her constant presence but her swift assumption of control is always beyond my consciousness. When she is at the helm, nothing can bring me down, nothing can hurt me or phase me. She is a rock, a warrior,m y shield. But she leaves as sudden ly and silently as she arrives, and I am left in the wake if her destruction. Two lives living as one, two separate and distinct personalities - one damaged and beaten body. No one can explain what all this means, or what triggers my transformations. I think she takes over when she feels I can't manage or overcome a threat. Unfortunately, she does not come on command so her existence is like a mystery to me. I wish someone could define what's wrong with me. I wish someone would look at the "whole me". I'm tired of the "go to" bipolar diagnosis when clearly there is so much more going on. Does anybody out there understand? Can anybody help me?
--
Trinitytears
|