I don't know whether there is something really wrong with me, or whether I am just being overly analyzing my own self, but I have been hearing a lot of confusing theories about myself and my state and I try real hard to make a sense of it myself, but it often brings just more doubt and more questions.
Would be anyone willing to help me define what's the issue? Or at least give me an idea of what might it be?

- I am prone to feeling blue, to self pity, victimization of my own self and melancholy
- all this adds up with feeling imperfect and bad
- I have very high values and goals that are very personal and important for me, but I can't seem to have the willpower to accomplish any of them
- that leads to feelings of severe guilt and self disapproval
- I have very low self confidence because of that and always look for approval of others because of that. I am not directly asking for attention, but rather use indirect signs like developing my own sense of style and fashion and waiting for people to notice it and comment on it. Or creating a piece of art just to win the compliments
- I have very high standards that I am aware of failing to live up to not only for myself, but also for others
- I am very critical of other people and can relate to just very few that are in some way special for me
- I often feel very different from others and experiece serve feelings of rejection or not belonging to the society or any group of people
-which makes me feel lonely and misunderstood, but also special and uniqe
- I am very reserved and it is hard for me to open up to anyone and I feel like nobody really knows me
- I can feel my own inner feelings extremely and far more than average humans, but it is hard for me to be emotional with people or in a relationship
- as a teenager and adolescent I had a history of self harming and suicidal behaviors and eating disorder
- I experienced panic attacks and derealization and sometimes experience mild anxiety
- This causes me to have very few friends and limited group of people around me
- I feel inferior and very shy a lot which makes social life and meeting new people hard
- I am highly functioning student of journalism with very limited but existing social life