Hi Hazn,

Heartbreak is the worse pain a human being will ever feel. I was in a relationship that was very manipulative to the point where my self-esteem decreased to nothing and my insecurity grew due to his infidelity, lying, and denial of the things he did to me. Suffice it to say, when I found out the truth I had a mental breakdown.

I cried, waled, pulled my hair the moment I found out all the things he did while we were together. I collapsed to the floor and didn't move until I was helped up by a friend.

You go crazy for a long time, over-analyzing, breaking up every moment and dissecting it to understand. Your world is just dark. You think what could I have done different (which is what you're doing), you can't. You can't ever make sense of what they did, because they're damaged and don't feel which is why they do those things, they're selfish and they don't give a flying F*%k about what they did to you because they're busy doing it to someone else. the mistakes you may have made were not the dealbreaker. Because someone who wants to be with you and cares about you will work through problems, they want to seek resolution not just be pissed off all the time or fixated on their maladaptive behavior and habits.

So, just go through the emotional withdrawal. Betrayal, manipulation, all that consider it poison to your brain and heart and just let it get through your system. Cry, scream into a pillow, whatever you need to do.

If you are feeling depressed: stopped eating, sleep too much or no sleep at all, wake up early in the monring 3-4 a.m., if it's gotten to the point where it keeps you from doing every day things like eating, taking showers, getting up from bed. Try to speak with someone, friends, therapist, hang on to the people that care about you if you have them. Take medication. It sounds like I'm telling you to run towards the medication but consider that its temporary and that it will help you get back on track.

I was with this jerk for 2.5 years (2012-2014) and it took me about a good year to finally shrug my shoulders and say F him. Sure, there are ups and downs but not to the point where you're debilitated.

Stick to these forums, if you have advice for others provide it. It does help you heal. There are good people here in this forum. I go to depressionforums too.

I learned a lot recently. I learned that I identify my self worth through others, that the relationship defines who I am, that I need higher standards, that I should ALWAYS trust my gut (after all about 90% of seroti\onin is in our gut not just in our brains, that regulates mood.... hence the trust your gut term). Self-esteem is what takes a while to gain back, but once you do you're more resilient. Don't choose people that need "fixing" don't even try, stay away because what you went through will happen again. It happened to me again (2015), so I'm on round 2.

Someone that likes you for you will accept you as you are even if you're not perfect and when they go out of their way to care about you and your gut matches with your thoughts, and how they treat you then that's how you know you're with a good person.

But you need to find yourself first, because if you do find that person you don't want to just jump in because you feel cared for. It must be reciprocated. The last thing you want to do is treat them like the Ex treated you.

You know what else at the end made me feel better? That I actually feel, that after all this ***** I got put through I'm still caring, I can still love. And you know what that person who treated you won't ever have? real love, real care, they're damaged. Your life can still be good, they're walking around all messed up. They'll never be happy. It's kharma.