I have a friend who got some positive results with the help of a behavior therapist. Her child was younger but I'm sure they are able to adjust what they recommend to accomodate an age. He was originally diagnosed with ODD and later bipolar. The behavior therapist helped a great deal with the ODD. She said it was mostly teaching HER new techniques and how to implement them which it sounds like you are seeking which I why I'm mentioning it.

NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) has a class (pretty sure) and support groups (positive) for parents of children with mental illness.

I think you are brave to come here and ask questions. I hope you get some of the answers you need so badly.

I agree that the wilderness programs can help. Another friend with a son with a lot of psychiatric/behavioral problems sent his son to one (I can't think of the name, keep getting stuck on Outback SteakHouse which is a sign my meds are kicking in but it was the one that I've heard of the most that is well-known and searching isn't helping me either, sorry) and it was beneficial. His son was about 14 or 15 when he went and he gained self-esteem and some more self-control that he was lacking. I know he was really proud of himself at the completion ceremony. And that has the advantage of you take her there and after that her cooperation is up to others.

I agree also that reading about borderline personality disorder may help you a great deal in how to deal with your daughter. Not that she necessarily has it, but she does have behaviors consistent with it (as many people with bipolar do as well as many who have both or who change diagnoses between the 2) and learning about it might help you cope more.

I think individual therapy for her would be good with the understanding that you will be speaking to the therapist as well although the therapist should respect her confidentiality (and I think has to at age 16 in at least this state). I would see the therapist myself before ever mentioning it to my daughter to see if you think there is a fit and also to be sure that the therapist understands the backstory. If you find someone you think will work well with your daughter give it a try. Maybe outside the context of family therapy she might open up a little and learn a coping skill or two or 10 (the more the better).

I hope that you find the answers you need, be it here or somewhere else. Please feel welcome here though. There are lots of us and one person never speaks for all of us (including me!). I just really want you to know that.