I have been married for almost 18 years. H & I have been fighting over the same stuff forever.
I want him to initiate affection or sex.
I have ALWAYS initiated sex.
He doesn't compliment me, other than my cooking.
I have been the sole provider for the past 12 years. He lost his job when I was pregnant & has been a stay at home dad, which I have resented bc I wanted to stay home. The home we live in was given to us by his parents but nothing is in my name. They gave him his car but I bought mine with my own money.
He is a hoarder & collects things that are taking over my bedroom.
My house is cluttered up with stuff.

I have tried talking to him about it but I don't get anywhere. He says even if he did all the things I ask, I would still be unhappy. That what he does will never be good enough. But he's never tried.
We have gone to counseling many times but he won't follow through on what he's supposed to. They start to focus on him & he gets mad.
He is a functional alcoholic.

Now that I've been recently diagnosed BP, he blames everything on that. That I'm the one who is unstable.

I just want my husband to pay attention to me. To make me feel appreciated. To feel cherished. To be affectionate & playful.
I know I'm not perfect but I just want to know that I am loved.
I am so bitter & hurt that I don't want to try anymore.
I want to move out but I don't want to hurt my child.
But I want to meet someone & experience a happy fulfilling love before I get too old. I'm 40 & still look pretty good.
I just scared to be alone.
I don't know what to do.
I gave him an ultimatum a year ago, he quit drinking, did good for 6 months, then he went back to his old ways.
I'm tired of hurting.
It triggers my BP & makes me suicidally depressed sometimes.
I know I can't blame him for that but I know if I was in a happy relationship, I wouldn't be in as bad a shape as I am.
What should I do?