These replies aren't very helpful honestly. I mean they don't add more insight, I wasn't being very insightful or informational to anyone of you, because I was very upset and hurting and not thinking very open minded like. It happens like with everyone else.

I'm a very hurting at the same time at peace with myself.

I made this hell my home, and choose to seek a better life.

the pain is how different I am, it's not always bad, but it's alienation is the worst part.

I am different in the pain I experience the life I'm in and deal with like other people, but a lot of people aren't considerate as I am when I'm not upset. I get angry and lash out at everyone as a way to push them away intentionally to show I don't care what they are talking about to me, I'm not getting what I want, so step aside and leave me alone is what that screams.

I'm being very clear on my intentions and what I'm going through. Without my parents, I don't have anything to cling on to.. I don't like holding onto memories and experience a negative change of losing everything you hold the most to you. Feeling like a failure to save a friend before he died, and that feeling like you could of shown your grandmother who was very starved beaten and grisly looking to the point she was a living corpse and not like the woman I lived with my early life. I was very stricken with so much hatred, because I was exposed how evil people were and that I wish it wasn't me who was exposed to a very abusive and unfortunate experiences I've endured. I act very cold and very indifferent. I admire other people, but not like most people do. I want something more, I won't say I like someone. If I do I'm subtle about it. I'm very charismatic, and like to charm others. I'm a show off. I act like a happy adult and child in one form. I look much younger than my appearance lets on. My dad is the same. He's 52 maybe 53 looks like he's mid 30's. My mother looks like she's 32. She's 50. I look like a teenage boy at like even as young as 15 most people would assume, but I am almost 22.

I do show I have an innocence I show most people a side. I'm proud of that I am not afraid of danger and I'm not afraid of risk and I'm not afraid of other people. I'm not intimidated easily and I am very much swallowed by my own past woes so much so I stopped caring about anything happening later in life, I found peace by just living in what little I have. I stopped clinging onto others, but to feelings ideas and memories as this has worked for a long time. It's now slowly fading away, it's a very lonely place change is. I read a lot and very articulate and very much inclined in myself and others. I experience psychosis, because it's like almost a split personality almost where I am currently experiencing the pain of my past in the exact moment. I would do as in run away from the middle of my job or cry very loudly in public or beat myself senseless, because it's just not me showing my pity to others. It's just a reaction that my brain does as in my therapists have told me both medical and psychological. I really needed something specific type of therapy though, I wanted something to help me mend my wounds. I needed a female therapist for this, because it's not that I'm biased on whatever my needs are, but I am very specific, because I'm intentionally filling a void, by a form of exposing my pain and having someone else give me the self esteem nurturing I needed. I don't need a lot, I just need small things of just being heard to get me through my week.

I'm addicted to affection, encouragement and work hard at being perfection.

I only wanted that, because my heart is intertwined with the people I miss the most in my life, that I wish they had better than what they were given. I know it wasn't my business, but I felt I needed to do something about it.

I lost a daughter, a mother/grandmother, a close friend, and many many many people I had shape my world around me.

I suffer hallucinations, all my life, because I have severe ptsd and I've been stricken with the remains of that and my grief till the day I die. It's not left me like it had the first day it happened. Your world and your life is never the same when the parts you are familiar are forever taken by someone or something else. When you are truly the victim and no one believes you because they aren't in your shoes, but you embrace you're better than a victim but a victor, but no one will see it. So in the end you stopped caring. You don't want love anymore, you don't want to succeed with money or material things or just even getting anything what most people are after. You just crave the adventure itself and stopped being attached to people you are your own world and no one really matters except your own centralized view, but I struggle with that and wanting to share the good I feel when I do my best.