Oh boy. Sorry I didn't see this sooner, I thought I'd get e-mails about other responses. What you said confuses me more than ever, ablankscript. Let me see if I can untangle this...
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Originally Posted by ablankscript
I have been researching SPD lately and what I have been reading is that not only is it hard for a therapist to diagnose SPD but even the patient won't believe they are schizoid. It has something to do with fact that the schizoid has a rich inner world they don't let others in on, but often times when it comes to dealing with other people they are able to act normal. It is, however, just an act. The schizoid person is said to be able to fake any personality they want, but they never really are that it is just an act as are their interest in others.
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This both does and doesn't seem like me. I am really good at adapting to different social groups. When I was a kid, adults often thought I was older than I was, because I was able to mimic the way they spoke. I always just figured that was because my parents never did baby-talk to me. But it happens all the time. I start to talk like the people I hang out with. I match my speaking style to the people I'm around.
On the other hand, I'm pretty sure I only "act" because I want to be accepted, which obviously means I have a genuine interest in people, right? I try to be like them because I want to be closer to them. I think.
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Originally Posted by ablankscript
The schizoid isn't always a loner like some think, some don't like being lonely so they may develop "close" relationships with a person but they are superficial because the schizoid person never fully discloses their true self. So you could say they use others simply to fill that void, many schizoids would love to have a deep and meaningful relationship but it is elusive because the other people never seem to be able feel like they truly know the schizoid person the way they believe the schizoid person knows them. The schizoid person is just not interested in getting emotional with other people. In a way they mimic others, so if they are expected to show interest or empathy they show it, but they don't truly feel it.
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What you say here about how people feel about a schizoid person, that's how I feel about EVERYONE. It's somehow reversed. I want to have meaningful relationships, but I don't feel that
others are willing to disclose as much of themselves as I want, as I would. Sometimes I think this goes back to a specific trauma I suffered, being abandoned by my best friend after telling her her boyfriend had cheated on her. For some time before that I'd sensed that I shared much more of myself than she shared with me, and it bothered me. But we had been best friends for years, and I thought when I told her about her boyfriend, she would ditch him and lean on me for support. That's not to say that's why I did it, that I was trying to drive a wedge between them. I just thought that if she stayed with him she'd end up in denial, which I knew she was prone to, and that hearing proof that he'd cheated would snap her out of that denial, and I'd help her through it, like friends do. Instead she held to her denial more firmly and stopped talking to me. Ever since then I've felt like no one wants to open themselves up enough to be my friend, to share the things that I want to share. I feel like I gave everything I had in that friendship, and was rewarded with pain.
So maybe what happened made me act like a shizoid. But if I wasn't always this way, does that mean I'm not really schizoid?
Interestingly though, what you say about faking empathy, I can relate to, but only on a professional level. I hate working customer service, because I really DON'T care how this customer's day was. They are the hardest part of my job and as far as I'm concerned, a job where you have no customers is the best kind. I have had to learn to fake the polite voice, the smile, the interest in their mundane lives. But that's only with strangers. These are not people I would ever want as friends, nor would it be a possibility, in most cases, even if I did. But the people I work or live with, spend any amount of time with that isn't defined by the roles of employee and customer, I care about. I feel like my coworkers are my "friends", even if we never see each other outside of work. I guess I just feel like, whenever I do have a coworker I would like to be friends with outside of work, that they wouldn't want to, or that they already have a full life and social network, and I don't fit in.
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Originally Posted by ablankscript
The schizoid person realm doesn't need people though, not like others if anyone can live as a hermit it is a schizoid.
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This above all makes me think I can't be schizoid... I do need people. Though I sometimes idealize the life of a hermit, and sometimes used to seriously consider living that way, I discover in times of isolation that it drives me crazy. I do need people, and I do wish I had a stronger connection with anyone besides my boyfriend.
I'm so confused.