There seems to be a growing pain within. A knawing pain of a reality lying within me. A fear that maybe I am nothing, worthless, and bad. Then reality of those within grabs me--taking away my ability to stop the echo that fills my mind. I look into those eyes holding a truth so deep it swallows you. Their existance ever present makes it difficult to breath.

Do I exist somewhere amidst those surrounding me? Are the thoughts filling my mind my own or do they belong to some others within? Thoughts so close they run together--over and over--within. Sometimes loud/definate but sometimes a deafening silence that knows so much truth you cannot breath. You can not tell where your breath starts and if those inside even have a clue you yourself are there. Do they even know that it is my breath that is sustaining us all?

But right now, it is me feeling this suffocating feeling within as I cannot turn from these feelings as it is me that holds this pain. It hurts and sometimes I cannot feel the breath come or go. Sometimes just staring off in silence, not connecting to anything or anyone, just the pain. Knowing there is no other to step in front of the pain, as you try so hard to find another way. How long will it last? How long can you not feel your breath come or go? And I wonder how much ones heart can take before it cannot come back to this reality?

I feel so afraid. There is a silent scream within that no one can hear but it is so loud that one shutters. The scream that parallizes the heart, and stops the breath inside. Gasping for air wondering where the next gasp may come from. Will this be the moment fear takes you and will not let you go? This is where I am.

purplesecrets