i'm going to preface this entire post by giving a little bit of a background: despite the fact that i have a maladaptive idea in my head that constantly tells me i'm lazy, i'm not actually lazy. i'm in the final stages of a masters program and have 2 part-time jobs outside of that - in the months preceding this internship, i had 3, one of which was a full-time job in teaching terms (though the language program would never see it like that as a way to keep employees from receiving health care benefits - typical).

as i said before, i'm a final semester MS Ed student, working on my degree in teaching English as a second language. i'm also currently working on an internship that i haven't exactly been diligent about going to, in part because i'm trying to cram in a relatively large project with this internship, and in part due to the existential anxiety/depression listed above. at first, i was really diligent about going, about doing what i thought i needed to, but as time went on i felt myself getting less and less motivated and more and more discouraged. it wasn't just in my project, either; it was in everything - my relationships, my family, my interests. i've had this overwhelming sense of dread and guilt hanging in the core of my chest, sometimes making it feel impossible to draw a breath. i have a past of generalized anxiety - though key manifestations occur with death and driving triggers - so these feelings are not new, but this is the first time i've been cognizant enough of it to realize things are not exactly all right.

in the past, these feelings were present, but i'd push them off through a variety of things - excessive drinking, drugs, bulimic episodes, overworking - and this is the first time i've really been forced or have been given a chance to sit down and work with my head. some days it's okay - i feel passionate and ready to work on my project - but other days i feel so filled with dread and hopelessness about everything that i can't even focus. in fact, focus has been such an issue - i feel scatterbrained, unable to stay on task for longer than a few minutes, and sometimes it's just because i'm staring at a wall. then i realize time has been wasted that i should have been using to work on this project, and boom, there i am, back to feeling extremely anxious and angry at myself.

sometimes i can't find the energy to get out of bed. sometimes my body feels like a massive weight. sometimes i cry and i have no idea why, and it's hard to stop. sometimes i want to run away completely, and sometimes i want to own up to the fact that i'm not doing well on this project and i don't really know why. i blame myself, think of myself as weak, then shame myself for thinking of myself as weak, then shame myself for shaming myself, and it's really just a vicious cycle.

the real problem is that i am so conflicted i have no idea where to go. i hate the institution i'm doing this project for, and i know that issue is part of the problem, but it goes deeper than that. i'm ultimately scared of failure, as i always has been, and i feel a mental block every time i start to write - what if this isn't good enough, what if i'm not considering this, what if, what if... the what ifs are killing me.

i'm going back to my therapist soon, but her next appointment isn't until next week, and i'm kinda just sinking. it feels like it's getting better, and then it feels like it gets worse. it all just kinda feels hopeless. i guess i'm just wondering - has anyone had an experience similar to this? if you have, what did you do? how do you get through this huge mental block that feels like it keeps you from being productive?