Quote:
Originally Posted by CycloMary
I have been married for almost 18 years. H & I have been fighting over the same stuff forever.
I want him to initiate affection or sex.
I have ALWAYS initiated sex.
He doesn't compliment me, other than my cooking.
I have been the sole provider for the past 12 years. He lost his job when I was pregnant & has been a stay at home dad, which I have resented bc I wanted to stay home. The home we live in was given to us by his parents but nothing is in my name. They gave him his car but I bought mine with my own money.
He is a hoarder & collects things that are taking over my bedroom.
My house is cluttered up with stuff.
I have tried talking to him about it but I don't get anywhere. He says even if he did all the things I ask, I would still be unhappy. That what he does will never be good enough. But he's never tried.
We have gone to counseling many times but he won't follow through on what he's supposed to. They start to focus on him & he gets mad.
He is a functional alcoholic.
Now that I've been recently diagnosed BP, he blames everything on that. That I'm the one who is unstable.
I just want my husband to pay attention to me. To make me feel appreciated. To feel cherished. To be affectionate & playful.
I know I'm not perfect but I just want to know that I am loved.
I am so bitter & hurt that I don't want to try anymore.
I want to move out but I don't want to hurt my child.
But I want to meet someone & experience a happy fulfilling love before I get too old. I'm 40 & still look pretty good.
I just scared to be alone.
I don't know what to do.
I gave him an ultimatum a year ago, he quit drinking, did good for 6 months, then he went back to his old ways.
I'm tired of hurting.
It triggers my BP & makes me suicidally depressed sometimes.
I know I can't blame him for that but I know if I was in a happy relationship, I wouldn't be in as bad a shape as I am.
What should I do?
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The thing with ultimatiums is that they are useless unless you follow through with them. You told him something along the lines of "if you don't stop drinking I will leave you." Quitting for 6 months and starting again is not not the desired outcome, to uphold that ultimatium you should have followed through with leaving him. Now whatever you say to him is going to be like an empty threat because he will not believe you will follow through with the consequences. I don't see how he is "functioning" if he hasn't worked in 12 years!
I don't know what state youre in but I would think that most places if you are married and have cohabitated in that house for 18 years you would have some claim to it even if it is just in his name. If it's in his parents' name not his, that might be different. It sounds like he has a lot of issues to work on but you don't have to stand by while he continues to drink and hoard. If you're this unhappy, you should probably think about leaving. Your child is going to be damaged by having his/her primary caregiver drunk all the time and having an alcoholic father. Way more damaged by that than by a divorce! Right now, the child is learning that this is normal, the way dad drinks, the way mom and dad fight, etc.