I can't quite understand this, but there's this famous person I like who way back years ago had a bad divorce and suffered a lot of heartache from it, and almost every single day I catch myself fantasizing about heated arguments they may have had, tears he may have cried, curling up in a ball alone and suicidal, etc. Sometimes I cry while making up all this drama in my head, but it feels good to soak in the drama. I try to cut the thoughts off and even replace them with the fact that he has a great, happy marriage now, but I'm not interested in that. I can't relate to a happy marriage/happy relationship. I can only relate to unrelenting sadness and being alone, and I think that's why I like to fantasize about it, so that I can relate better to him.

I've been on plenty of awkward dates that never went anywhere, but I've never had a relationship. My parents had a bad divorce, and my mother was the one who got dumped and admitted feeling suicidal when it was still fresh. One time I was sitting in the same room with them yelling at each other really angrily, and I started crying pretty hard. A few months later I talked about it to a therapist and cried almost harder than I ever cried. I was shaking afterwards. I wonder if my obsession with this celebrity's old divorce stems from that. Even if it does, what the hell do I even do with that? How do I stop the thoughts? Fantasizing about it definitely has some emotional reward for me, but I can't help but think this is unhealthy in the long run.