Tomorrow is my first psychiatry appointment with Dr. Guggali. I'm sitting here thinking of things I'm supposed to bring or what I'm supposed to talk about. I took a test online about Social Anxiety Disorder and (I hope I'm not one of those people who think they have every condition they read about) it really nailed a lot of my issues. I don't know enough about it yet though to say that's what I could have or if it's just part of a larger or broader issue of depression or bipolar. I've watched some video and read up a little on all of this and I have thus far been completely against the idea of some meds but the more success stories I hear about with these meds being a factor it makes me wonder if that may be what I actually need. If so, I don't know yet. I scares me because of my other addictive ways and although I never had an interest or issue with these types of meds my dad has and I don't know if it would even be worth the risk of testing. I do know that I am TIRED of being like I am and whatever it is I continue to sabotage myself in everything I do because of it. It affects me in so many ways and it is exhausting. It gets to the point that no matter how much I actually care about someone or something I can hardly show it because I avoid everything which in turn makes me feel even worse. I let my physical health go because I can't even force myself to make an appointment and if I do I can't keep it. I'll just keep going through severe pain for weeks so I don't have to make a phone call. I've ruined jobs in the past and am currently in the process of ruining this one probably and this one is something I truly am passionate about (even though it doesn't show right now) and it's the best opportunity I've ever had. I get a real chance to help people…but I can't even help myself right now. I don't know what to do or how to fix it. I tell myself just to get determined and just do it and I get to a certain point then my mind takes over. I can't keep up. It wears me out because I have to get so wound up to even be around people. I feel like I stutter and can't keep track or what I want to say. I find it hard to listen to what someone is talking about most of the time because I can't stop my thought processes. I get easily confused because of all this. And on top of that I feel the need to do things perfectly and the thought that I will just screw it up and not do it right is disabling. Even taking a shower is difficult! That is horribly embarrassing and that affects a lot of areas in my life too. When I finally can somewhat slow the thoughts I feel zoned out like I'm a paralyzed zombie for a minute. Like I can't even move. So I let the thoughts gush back through so that I can move or even look in a different direction. Even my eyeballs seem to freeze. I feel so lost.