I feel compelled to write this. I don't know why, exactly. If you get thru to the end, you'll see it has a bright spot. But there is much darkness before the bright spot.

I'm not speaking for anyone else, but for me, bulimia is part of my cells or my DNA. Since 4, I have never not had body issues. There are no words to describe how much I hate my body. Not my face so much, but my body is disgusting repulsive and something I wish I could permanently get rid of and still be alive. I have had a few good runs of not b/p - maybe as much as 6 months in a row, but that's over 35 years. Even when I'm happyish. I never quit. I can't. I don't do it a lot and it's no where near as dramatic as it was when I was a kid, but I still binge and/or purge 7-10/wk. (and yes, every tooth is filled, capped or crowned).

I've been in weekly therapy for 5 years and I've made 40 years of progress in those 5. But still, on Saturday, I looked at myself in the mirror and was so disgusted by what I saw that I promised myself I would diet until Christmas. Not diet diet, but not binge or purge and only eat healthy foods.

I know today is only Tuesday, but it has been easy. Weirdly and strangely easy. I ate my normal breakfast. went out to lunch with colleagues and enjoyed my food, then cooked/ate dinner. I even exercised, which I almost never do because it involves moving my body, which makes me think about my body, which makes me hate myself worse. And except for writing this post, I haven't' thought about b / p at all.

Anyone had this happen? Any thoughts/explanation?