By the time I got out of the hospital last week I felt relaxed and was looking forward to life again. I wanted to do my art and photography for the first time in several months (maybe over a year).

Then with thoughts of getting back into those things, I started to put pressure on myself to pick up my responsibilities in life (housework, meals etc) so that I could have time to do some art. Then the anxiety started to build, and build and build.

It started off as an excited, motivated energy, but as the days wore on it began to shift to a more negative, agitated energy. My concentration dropped and I can barely hold thoughts or finish sentences with all that is whirling around in there. I feel like my head is full of racing hamsters on wheels, all running in a blind panic.

I know I need to get organized, but cannot keep thoughts in my head or feel grounded. I can hardly breath and keep taking gasping breaths as well as bouncing my leg, tapping my foot etc. I can't seem to stop moving.

Tonight I felt panicked and felt like I had to kill myself. I was fighting the very powerful urge to self harm. I was just barely keeping myself from hitting myself or worse. I felt hopeless (still do).

I NEVER self medicate (very compliant and don't do things without doc's okay) but I did tonight. I don't have PRN's but tonight I dug through the cupboard and found a couple of 25mg Seroquel that were left over from before I switched to XR's. And I found an Ativan that my hubby had been prescribed for sleep. I took both and even desperately thought of alcohol, which I avoid because it can make me volatile. I have Zyprexa as a PRN from my previous doctor but I didn't take that. It knocks me out flat for a good 24 hours and I'm very depressed when it wears off. I only take it when I'm actually breaking things or about to self harm, and I'm not even sure if my current pdoc would want me to take it.

The thought of having to go out and interact with people makes me feel panicky. I have a horse that I have to go see and having to deal with the people associated with him is overwhelming right now. I want so badly to avoid people that I"m thinking of sending my horse to retire with a friend on the other side of the country. Just so I can stay in my house and not have to go talk to or deal with those people. The thought of doing so makes me feel panic and distress. Then thoughts of suicide. Not because I want to die. Not at all. Just as a means of escape.

My pdoc described my depression as refractory. After three weeks in the hospital, I started to relax and it started to lift. Then I get out and anxiety sets in. Depression returns full force. This is the first time I've noticed this close relationship. It seems like my anxiety causes depression.

THe thing that's weird is that I'm a super social person. But times like now I want to avoid everyone and the thought of going out of my house or interacting with anyone fills me with panic and dread.

I have to talk to my pdoc about this but I don't want to go on benzos or have heaps of meds piled on. I'm going to try to find someone who does CBT tomorrow. And I'm thinking of simplifying my life further so that I never have to leave my house. If I send my horse away, I won't have to leave or talk to anyone until I feel up to it. He is the main thing that forces me into contact with other people.

I was feeling pretty badly at the start of this post, but I see a bright side. Articulating this has given me new insight, so hopefully I can address this and move past it.

Lisa