I am telling the whole truth about my SH impulses, hopeless and helpless feelings, gory intrusive thoughts and wanting to commit suicide to my doc team at the MHC, yet i feel such a fake and a liar. Why?

I just want them to believe i could do it, so that once i'm out and ready to do it, it wont come as a surprise to them and everyone else.... I'm preparing me and them. Just that. I think its good, then why do i feel so bad?