Yes Sky,

I am sticking to my guns completely....(I would imaging that part of what I have to say here should go under relationships & communication, but....anyway.) I refuse to allow the rut I have been in for so long....ever continue. I know now what it is like to be free from the stresses of this relationship.

I realize that part of the problem is mine. I always believed that in a relationship I could depend on the other person.....& it is hard for me to have someone around me & not feel like I should be able to depend on them even when I know better. So I am better off being alone so I am not tempted into that thinking. Knowing that I am the only one to do something, I do it!!!!

I have also found that a lazy attitude seems to be an easy thing to be influenced by....even when it isn't my own attitude. It is sometimes the easy way out & for some reason, I find that it rubs off on me more than I can rub off on a lazy person. I found out when I was alone that what I really am is far from what I have become in the marriage. I found that the person I was way before I got married is still the same person & same values that I really believe in.

The hard part in this situation is that he isn't a bad person.....he never has done anything bad. He is a very nice person....kind. He would do anything for anyone they ask....but.....it is all the little things that build up. Like if I say the sky is blue.....it is black because it is night or because there are clouds in the sky. He always has an argument for everything....he always has to know everything & because he says it....then that is what it is. It's when I ask a question & every question is answered with "I don't know" or complete silence. The only communication that exists is that which I initiate. Important information goes unsaid because it is always "I thought I told you" (my hearing isn't that bad to miss hearing everything).

It is sad when all the little anoying things are what drive a relationship apart, but all those little things are like weed seeds.....they grow & end up taking over a relationship & choking it out.

I was talking to him tonight about the situation...& the strange thing is that it was like someone was talking through me, trying to get him to see what he is doing to his life. Trying to get him to see the fork in the road that he is coming to. How by not taking an active position in deciding his path, he is choosing the path that is letting him stay the way he is for the rest of his life. There is no going back once he is on that path because once he is alone, all the things that are issues in a relationship won't be there. Once they aren't part of his life, there will be no reason to fix the problems because they aren't problems to him alone. It was the strangest feeling because all the right words were coming out of my mouth & I don't know where they came from. For the first time, it seemed like he actually heard what was being said to him (maybe).

I get frustrated & even angry when I am told "how could I expect him to change in "such a short time?" First of all, I have been explaining my feelings about the relationship problems for 32 years & they have continually been ignored, so I have been expecting him to change for 32 years. I have just finally come to the point where the line I have been drawing all along isn't going to move anymore.

Then, when I am asked what he has to do to show me that it will be ok for me to agree to his coming to KY with me....that is something I can't put words to. It is something I will know when I hear it.....when I see a positive action. All it has to be is a glimmer , a word or understanding that is finally communicated. It is something I will know when I see it, that there is even a remote chance that he isn't so stuck in his rut & not willing to take care of the thoughts that are trapping him into himself.

I am not going to give up my wonderful future at this point....now that I know what I want & what I want my life to be like. Finding my values again & knowing that there aren't lost & that I can be the person I wanted to be when I first started my life is a wonderful feeling....nothing I will ever give up in the future. If my husband can show me he will be able to be compatible with me at this point.....then he will be welcome to join me in KY, but it is his responsibility to communicate to me at this point in time...& I will know if it is compatible with the way I want my life to be.

I am determined to improve my life & this is the fork in the road & the path I know I want....I know who I am now & the values I want to have around me. I have well defined what that is....which is what I did before I got married...only I backed down then.....not going to do that this time.
Debbie