You offended me. I'll start with that. You didn't SAY all of us on disability are lazy but you sure got that across.

But let's see.....You want to know why I'm on disability? Let's go back in time. In
Dec. 2000 I finished a master's in occupational therapy. In June 2000 I had my first real mania. But it wasn't diagnosed. I wasn't diagnosed until I had been working almost 2 years. I was diagnosed by a dr. considered one of the leading experts in bipolar in the world and at the time considering the severity of my symptoms he was surprised I was able to work and that I had been in the same job for that long.

I fought tooth and nail to work. I LOVED working. It was how I defined myself. I wanted nothing more than to keep working for as many years as possible. But it turned out that I was unable to tolerate most APs and I desperately needed an AP. I had several short-term disability periods over several years and finally after some very bad reactions wound up tolerating Seroquel when we took months to increase the dose. But even then I had to have a ton of it plus a ton of Depakote so I remained very heavily sedated and kept job where I had flextime so I didn't have to work early. Some days I couldn't work and I worked on the weekends then. I did everything in my power to keep working. First one job fired me (their reasons were bogus but they could have fired me for other things so they kind of were right although had they not known I was bipolar the other things wouldn't have mattered like they didn't for other people) and then the next (that company has a reputation for firing experienced therapists and replacing them with new grads which is what happened to me).

During this time I tried vocational rehab in 2007. They recommended I go on disbility, they couldn't help me. I refused that and kept working. My psychiatrist told me repeatedly that for the severity of my bipolar I was the highest functioning patient she had ever treated. She and my therapist supported my desire to work as long as I could.

But I bounced back and into a great job. For a year and a half I was a contract therapist, working 12 weeks at a time in different places (I stayed in one place for quite a while and then did 2 contracts in another before accepting permanent role). In that job I thrived. My meds finally were balanced with the addition of an MAOI, I didn't need so much sleep, I was excellent at my work without a lot of extra effort and it was amazing.

Then in April 2011 Medicare changed a guideline that meant that my job was about twice as difficult. Other people resigned because suddenly paperwork at up your evening as well as what you did all day. I battled to get faster and keep up but nobody could. I was still doing my job and doing it well but I was getting tired and was having gyn. issues. I went off work in August to have surgery and had a bad reaction to a drug given under anesthesia. It caused akathesia so severely I was hospitalized and also messed up my cognition. We adjusted meds and adjusted meds and nothing helped. I was cycling a lot, not responding to meds, and I couldn't remember anything, act normal, anything.

I tried to go back to work. I went back for 3 days and then my managers and I together decided I wasn't ready. So I stayed off longer. They kept my job open much longer than was required and kept my disability going as well. But I knew in my heart that I was done, that with the cognitive changes and extremely unstable mood responding to nothing, including drastic treatment measures, I couldn't go back.

So I became suicidal. And I almost did it. I had the pills all ready and they would have done it. But at the last moment I got into the hospital and then when they didn't realize that I was so suicidal I managed to tell them before they sent me home and so I got help. And I started being able to say "I can't do this anymore".

I spent the next year or longer suicidal and fighting to come to terms with the fact I couldn't work. I hoped that I would be able to go back at least a little but so far I've not ever been stable so I haven't had that chance. Despite being on huge doses of meds (see my signature if you don't believe me) and having tried a ton of meds I don't sleep much and rarely fall asleep before 3 AM. Since I used to get up at 4 AM for work there is a problem there. And I can't handle stress. Add stress and I become suicidal. And then add in a year-long episode that has had severe attached to mania, mixed and depressive episodes and no normal time and at this point it's a great day when I can prepare a meal for myself.

Right now there is no job that I could handle. I have considered many. My OT license is going to expire soon and I have to decide in the next few months if I'm going to let it or if I'm going to get my continuing ed to keep it just a little longer, in case.

My whole identity and life were about being an OT. I still GRIEVE for that loss. I miss it with the depths of my soul. But it is not something I can do. I need help with things I used to teach people to do for themselves.

But you just go ahead and judge me. Because I'm sure the degree of sadness and loss I feel about having been forced to take this route doesn't come across nearly clearly enough for you.

I sincerely hope you never need support or have to accept that you can't work anymore no matter how hard you try. If you do, know that I am not judging you but do remember what you felt like when you wrote this because plenty of others will think it of you.