I understand your fear and how worthless your experience makes you feel. I, too, was sexually abused as a child and had no memory of it until I was writing in my journal for my T. We have talked about it some - some weeks I just don't feel up to talking about it - it is too difficult to discuss. But, you will get better. And everything everyone says is true - it was not your fault. I thought it was mine, too, because I did not say no or try to stop it. Little kids don't know how to tell older people no - so, try to sleep - sleep is your friend. The nightmares are ways of releasing the memories so you can recover. Hang in there - I know how hard it is!