My one friend at work, told me I should go out more, I've been doing what I can do. It's not very effective sometimes I may get lucky two months down the road to have a series of me just being around new people and it doesn't spark any fruition to. The rest of the time me trying to contact people, because I'm always ignored even family you name it. Everyone ignores me and treats me like **** or different. I don't like it, I have to act a certain way so people can not get on my case when I'm down. I truly hate it. I hate the beginning of relationships especially. Making friends is near impossible relationships has felt attainable, but is still just as hard for me. It's a mix of where I'm working at, I have no time to hang out and when I do they don't have time , and they like other people more than me and I'm misunderstood as a poor or bad friend person a lot.

I've contemplated suicide about this. This has been a lifelong battle of this forced isolation. It's like I can't escape it. I lack transportation when needed so I'm too inconvenient sometimes. If I don't do drugs with some people or talk about it they don't bother with me, but I don't hang with those people anymore years ago.

I can say to someone how I truly feel even if it's heartfelt they take it and throw it away.

I feel like always yesterdays news. It feels like I don't belong. It's not perceived so much is the behavior that's projected onto me even if they aren't meaning to be harmful at times, most of the time they find it easier to push their weight around a lot of women around here, will zone you out if you talk about subjects they don't know or feel you are either too stupid or uninteresting. Same with my friends. I know what it feels when I am connected I smile and embrace myself more not closed up.

You know how hard it is for me to even feel anything I've wanted now. I've not received what I needed for a very very long time. I'm emotionally starved and just want it to end honestly. I want what I want or one day I'm going call it quits not because I felt I wasn't good enough. I'm tired. I truly am. I am sick of this same impersonal rhetoric. I need something badly and I'm not getting it.

that's that.