Hey there,

I am new to this, but from what I see reading through the forums, it looks like there are a lot of people who have anxiety and still have their lives together. I really admire you women and men who do all those daunting things despite your anxieties. What follows is my personal rant.

My anxiety is crippling. If you think that yours is bad and f**ks with your life, then revel in the fact that I am, in most cases, worse off. Yes, I also manage to hide it from some people. Even the ones closest to me. That's because I have from the beginning crafted a facade around it, because my first priority has always been to hide this shameful condition. That's how I grew up, that's how it had to be. Also, my anxieties are low on a general level, but very high and fast-responding when the specific trigger is close, which maybe makes it easier to hide, because only a limited amount of people get to see the effects that do make it through my physical mask during an outburst.

What that means:
The low intensity general social anxieties are the reason why I don't really have any long term friends except ones that are far away, where there's not so much pressure to continually keep in touch.; I can vanish when I have a bad "episode" and come back later. I've had close friends growing up but I've lost touch with them because I was so bent on hiding my anxieties and shame. (I was and am very ashamed of many aspects about me -things that are not really shameful, but are so in my head- and I often feel disgusting and ugly and I probably have body dysmorphia.) I guess the one thing about my life that has always worked well for me was finding dates, finding someone to love, and getting laid. But it has not worked out long-term so far, so a lot of my dating was a huge waste of time and mental resources, which is its own story.

The high intensity social anxiety has made me drop out of way too many studies that I thought I'd love to pursue, due to the intense fears I associate with class rooms, groups of students, peer pressure, and, the all time favourite, presentations.
I also nearly never raised my hand in all of my time in school, and to this day (I am way into my twenties by now) still get extreme shakiness, stammering, blushing, blanking out, and much more, whenever I have to say anything in class. It's extremely embarrassing! Every time it happens, I feel like taking my life.
It is totally ruining my life. I've tried choosing studies or jobs that avoid those situations, my therapist even suggested that to me. But it didn't work. Anxiety triggering situations always come up. I've chosen my current studies because I hoped after I've completed it I'll be able to work in some quiet archive or something one day, but even here I struggle to complete classes because I have to speak in class, and just can't manage!

Plus, it makes it impossible for me to hold a job, because the anxieties will push me into depression when I have to stick to a regime that is not my own where I don't have enough time for myself, etc.

Somehow I also seem to be unable to communicate that to a therapist, or maybe there just aren't any good ones around. It seems like therapists usually want me to talk about my issues, instead of helping me practically.

So to sum it up: I am a complete failure, but I keep trying. I hope you all are happy about the ways in which your lives function, even if it's just parts of it that do.