On the fourth day of Chanukkah my true love gave to me--

R comes home from work yesterday. I am still sitting in the rocking chair too depressed to function. He starts drinking shots of vodka. He offers me some. I say 'really? you're thinking this is a good idea?' and I don't drink. He gets himself loaded and goes off on a crying, self hating rant.

I told him about how I have been writing on a website and how someone suggested he may have Aspbergers. We looked it up together and decided he didn't.

Then he starts getting horny and trying to have sex with me, no very drunk.I told him 'no' and how this is what he always does, like he gets his jollies from hurting me emotionally and needs all this drama to build himself up (or tear himself down)-- it's mental S&M!

Finally, he relaxed and got funny. I said something that made him laugh, now feeling really sorry for him. The anger left me and I felt compassion for him.

I let him sleep it off. The sadness from the blackest despair turned to a warm, secure feeling that I do love him and he does love me and I am not leaving.

Oh boy--- So, if I am 'nuts' it's not in a nutshell. I am not doing this alone. If I have a personality disorder, well, doesn't he have one, too? Isn't my extreme reaction just that, a reaction to his strange behavior?

Such a ridiculous and unnecessary pattern of abuse. I am so sorry and ashamed. I have been living through this for 20 years! I want to stop.

It happens every time I set myself up for him to disappoint me. Our miscommunication this time tricked me into it. I am going to try to not set myself up again.

I'm sorry I made you guys cry. But, I so appreciate you are there. I've told my parents and my sisters everything that has gone on all throughout. I've hoped they would come take me out of here by my head, and they have all said at times leave him. But, it's just like any woman that is in an abusive relationship, sometimes they just stay.

He also has so many great qualities. People looking in from the outside would think I have it all!