I finally had what I feel was a good session last night. I wrote a list of the instances, stories, and memories of abuse to share with my T. Some I was able to tell, others I had to read from the paper to be able to get them out. We talked about some of the things that I have personal issues with, such as never believing people are going to do what they say they are going to do, and the anxiety and stress it causes me right up until the moment. Like appointments, I don't believe he will actually be there, until the moment that I walk in and see him there, and my heart pounds in my chest as I am preparing myself to be mad that he didn't show.

We talked about my hypervigilance, my constant planning in my head, and the way I cant handle changes to the plan. I have run out of gas multiple times because stopping for gas wasn't part of the plan in my drive from work to home and I couldn't make myself stop to get gas. My obsession that the exact right words are used in conversation, like if my husband says he was sitting in the chair, but he was on the couch, I have to correct him, which inevitably makes him feel like he is always wrong.

I only got about half of my stories out, but I feel like now he sees some of the things we are really working with.

It was actually a very difficult appointment, this was the first time that I have told these stories and really felt the anger behind what happened, instead of telling the stories as if they happened to someone else. I drove home angry and in tears, but we also had some laughs about how I deal with things. I told him that I wanted to lay it all out there so it could be fixed, I said, "bam bam bam, fix it." and he said he was originally thinking of naming his business, bam bam bam, fix it. It was funny.

I felt like I could totally be me, be expressive, and agitated and animated and it was totally ok. I am really looking forward to next week.