I'm not sure what this is from or related to, might not even have anything to do with BP, but I'm most attached to this forum, so I figure I'll do my worry-vent here.

The number one reason I quit my medication several weeks ago was because after I started taking it, I noticed significant cognitive decline, which both disturbed me and also made me extremely doubtful that I could hold down a job in such a state. The most upsetting moment was what I couldn't remember how old I was, and then I couldn't do the math in terms of years in my head to try to figure it out.

About a week after I quit taking the Symbyax, it seemed like my memory and focus were improving, so I felt convinced and determined as far as trying to make it med-free, at least for a while, because I so desperately want to hold down this job at least long enough to get a gaming computer and a car.

However, recently I've been struggling with depression and anxiety symptoms, but nothing so severe that I can't work, it just sucks. And now very recently I've started to have memory/focus problems again, in combination with depression symptoms.

I worked for 5 hours this morning, cashiering, and while still at home, the whole time I was getting ready I kept losing my train of thought. When I finally got to work, I could hardly think. Things that have become automatic for me by this point were just beyond me.

For example, there is a wall of cigarettes behind us cashiers. I know where all the types of cigarettes are by now. But when people started asking for their cigarettes, I couldn't find anything. I couldn't find things that were right in front of me. I couldn't think. I would hear, "L&M Blue One-Hundreds" but it wouldn't register in my brain. I'd repeat it out-loud to myself, but it was like it was just sounds with no thought or meaning. I would stare at the wall of cigarettes but it was like I wasn't actually seeing anything, only with my eyeballs but not with my brain. I knew that I knew where the cigarettes were, and yet I didn't know, couldn't find them. At one point I felt so disoriented and panicked that I started crying (luckily not severe boo-hoo crying, just teary-eyed and choked up). I felt totally overwhelmed.

There were other things throughout the shift. Like I wrote down my schedule for the next 7 days, I remember writing it down and having the piece of paper in my hand. But I have no idea what I did with it. I got home and couldn't find it in any of my pockets. I have no memory whatsoever of what I did with that piece of paper, and I can't remember the days/hours that I was supposed to work. So now I have to call the store and ask someone to read my schedule to me, I wrote that down on a notepad by the coffee machine because I'll probably forget to do that, too.

My cash drawer on my register also came up short yet again today. I have no idea how it's possible. Nobody else was on my drawer, I counted everything, I fan out the bills and say their value out-loud when giving change to customers. Ritualistically it's always, "Your total is ____," "Okay, out of ____," "Your change is $14, here is 2 fives and 4 singles." Etc. I must be screwing up somewhere that I can't even remember.

This week in general I have forgotten so many things. Forgot to schedule my depo provera injection so I almost missed the deadline, and this was even after writing myself a note to schedule it. Forgot to take the trash out on trash pickup day, so now the outside trash container is overflowing from almost two weeks' worth of garbage from everyone. The days I didn't work were like a weird, dazed dream. I didn't shower, didn't eat much (that I can remember) and it was like it all just flew by without much content.

Feel like I am losing my marbles a bit here. So it's also making me wonder if the memory issues on the medication were actually depression symptoms, since I know that I had started Prozac with the Zyprexa due to depression symptoms. Maybe it just wasn't working and the depression was getting worse.

Do any of you struggle with memory/focus during depression?