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Originally Posted by Fharraige
Have you tried DBT? If you have a therapist talk to them about it. It works great for emotional regulation. It's not just for people with BPD, although it was originally designed for such.
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Yes, she has been working with me a bit on it. I've heard of it and tried it before. It takes A LOT of work. But never really focused on my particular problem of putting people on a pedestal and devaluing them before. I suppose...no real relationship like issues that are problematic for me have been of focus in the past.
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Originally Posted by Pastel Kitten
It's good to hear that you were able to take something positive from this experience in the sense that you learned from it. My mom struggles with something very similar. She puts the women she meets on pedestals, thinks they're definitely the one for her, spends a ton of money to go see them (and sometimes even lives with them) before getting to know them well, and ends up getting highly disappointed because they turn out not to be who she thought they were - not to mention in debt. The difference is that she never learns.
I would say to simply get to know the person better before making big commitments. That way, even if things do not work out in the long run, you will not wind up losing more than what you had before. This may or may not be the case, but maybe you end up feeling hasty because part of you thinks if you don't act now, there won't be a chance to in the future? I think that may be the case with my mom.
I'm sorry that I can't offer more advice, but I'm glad that you recognize the possibility of a fulfilling relationship with a person other than her. My mom thinks being in an unfulfilling relationship is better than none.
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A big reason I did do that and am so quick to commit to people really is, as you said, thinking I might not have the change in the future. It's like I cannot stand the idea of never getting to meet someone in person (if I met them online) or getting to be their girlfriend, so I like glob on and try to like "make" it happen. I'm so desperate for a relationship...for love really. Totally needs to change...especially since it's clear I can't get a hold of myself enough to form a healthy one at the moment.
My therapist thinks this sort of repetition and these behaviors put me at risk for winding up with someone controlling and/or borderline abusive. That was a terrifying thought to me so after all this I am so ready to get myself together in terms of not letting my emotions or fears control my decisions.
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Originally Posted by CopperStar
I haven't had very much therapeutic work at all in regards to such issues, outside of self-help things I have found online over the years. However, the main coping method I have developed after all this time is to try not to have any expectations or hopes. Now it does tend to end up with me leaning heavily towards pessimism and even borders on nihilism at times if I don't watch it. But it also helps me to be a calmer person, even if a very cynical and detached one most of the time. I don't see it as the best solution, but it has been better than nothing given lack of opportunities like some amazing DBT class.
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I do understand this. I also think it's okay to have realistic expectations. But yes, harmful ones, like "OMG THIS PERSON WILL BE THE BEST PERSON EVER FOREVER" are not good to have. So I'll have to keep it in mind come the next romantic interest in particular (which I'm still severely afraid of given how this one went...as it was the first in like 8 months so I had no idea I'd react pretty much the same way I always have).