I can't really tell when it started. I think it was gradual when we started imagery work on some childhood traumas. It required trust to go there, which I had - trust in her competence - but I didn't expect her response to be really caring. Like she was really there with me, instead of keeping a professional distance.

I remember asking her why did she want to get close into the mess, when she could keep a safe psychological distance, and she said something about how it wouldn't be healing if I was left to deal with things all alone like I did as a child.

I remember I started thinking more about her, wanting to be close, yet being scared, and that's also when I really upped my "You don't really care! Stop being so nice and kind!" accusations towards her.

I keep reminding myself that she's simply a professional doing her job, even as she tells me that she doesn't see each client as "just a job".

So now I tell myself that she's this way with every single client, so I'm just a client.

I tell myself that she makes every client feel special and "the only one" when they're in session with her.

She's been saying that even if my feelings towards her are based on a "generated illusion" (my words), the feelings are still real.