Ok, thanks for asking. This has been quite a week; on top of my brother my niece had to have eye surgery and so I've been doing a lot of babysitting (plus there's anxiety with the eye situation). But I'm still ok. I even am questioning if the little bit of lithium I'm taking might be helping me a little although I think I'm just feeling more anxious and that adds a little energy. The depression symptoms are all still there. It's hard because I'm not sure my therapist realizes how bad it is; I'm better than I was 6 weeks ago in that I can talk and tell him things and have handled a few really hard sessions. But next time we need to talk a little about what he doesn't see and see if I can figure out where I am. I know he thinks I'm better than my pdoc does but my pdoc has access to specifics about self-care that he doesn't.

I don't know. I've cried a few times so I guess I'm less numb and I want to be better in even a tiny way to see if I can avoid clozaril but I don't know how to trust that I'm not making myself better so that I can avoid it. I more don't want to come off of Seroquel and probably klonopin to go on the clozaril than I am bothered by the clozaril itself. I am hoping my pdoc will decide for me somehow. I just don't know. I can exist like this. I am not as bad as I was a while ago but I don't think I'm all that much better either. It's confusing.