Hey Orion.

I agree with the others that you are not stupid because you do this - and do not be concerned about your masculinity either. Being new, I do not know you, but cutting oneself has nothing to do with masculinity or otherwise.

Lots of people get a freaked out before a phone call. Cutting releases endorphins, which are very calming when you need to be calm & very stimulating when you need euphoria, so once you have got into cutting it is totally understandable that you might feel the need to cut before a phone call - both to make it less nervewracking & to focus your self.

The bugger of it is not so much the physical damage, but that it reinforces the need to cut at times of stress.

It is also normal that you did not get help from your wife, because as you say, you needed the relief - but it is worrying for both for you.

I do not really know what to advise - perhaps try a more constructive method of endorphin release before a phonecall - such as taking a run. Alternatively, reward yourself after making a call if you did it without hurting yourself first. Obviously this applies to all situations.

Hope you feel better soon.

XXX

*massive hugs*