Quote:
Originally Posted by Brown Owl
I had a painful attachment for my first T, the therapy relationship also didn't feel right and I felt quite rejected and judged within it, but perhaps always hoped to be accepted and cared for. I have sometimes wondered if it was the unmet hopes that made me feel a painful love. I seem to feel a bit more like you with my new T who I've been seeing for about 9 months, my new T is very steady and accepting, she doesn't say anything that is rejecting to me. I too have been wondering why I don't feel such a deep love. I've been wondering if it is because it is a lot more secure a relationship? I've also been thinking that with time it may come. (I still do have insecure feelings come up, but I can see that these relate more to my childhood than to her).
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Yes, this is it! Like if I was to choose between the 2 I would definitely pick current T. The school counsellor really did nothing for me at all so it just doesn't make sense. She had to see me a few times for my bad behaviour and suggested I start seeing her weekly. I told her a few facts about my life but never anything deep or meaningful. Sometimes I would go for my appointment and she would just not open the door. She had a habit of running way over so once I'd waited around a bit I'd go back to class or I'd be in trouble with who ever caught me lurking in the corridor. After these awkward moments I would just forget about it and not go near the counsellor again and she never sought me out until she had to see me again as part of the school's discipline policy.
It just doesn't make sense that I would love somebody like this. She was pretty shockingly bad in fairness! I suppose it could have something to do with the fact that I was so much younger then, and although it was very hard to have access to her (even though she was the one who kept suggesting weekly appointments and then just wouldn't open the door!!) on the occasions I actually did get to see her, I really liked her, but it was painful.
So when my T has been nothing but reliable, always opens the door, schedules half an hour to an hour between appointments and gives me hour and a half long sessions consistently, does not encourage me to become dependant on her only to abandon me like the school counsellor, remembers pretty much everything I ever said and deals with me patiently like some kind of saint, I think I am a bit frustrated with myself for not being in love with her, like I must not fully appreciate how great she is or something