I've worked very hard on being stable as much as possible the last few years with mild episodes. But this last 5 months I was helping take care of my grandma while she was dieing. In October her pain finally ended. I was getting sicker and manic for the 5 months and now after she died I'm horribly miserable and every thing around me is falling apart. First i got super sensitive to noise from up stairs and it was giving me major anxiety and a panic attack that I had to go to hospital. The noise is continuing but I'm on new meds for the anxiety so hopefully that hells. Then all my expensive necessary electronics are breaking. My vacuum caught on fire and tv head phones i have to wear to try to block noise is barely working. I miss my grandma and between the grieving and the over whelming misery im getting close to losing it. Also I've come to realize I have binge drinking problem where when I have access i drink 4 bottles at a time or if no wine I'm smoking weed. Sunday i had 4 bottles started cutting and had to call my brother at 1am who stayed with me till we went to bed at 6am and got 2 hours sleep. He had to call out of work. My dr and i agree no more drinking. Last night I was miserable and wanted to drink my self till i saw double. My dr says I'm self medicating but now I'm worried about self harm. My brother took all razors but last night i went looking for one and could find one thank god. This episode has been the worst in years. Hopefully i hear from partial hospitalization today and can start soon. I'm sorry to rant but i feel like no one understands how the bipolar can kick your butt into an episode when you are doing everything to take care of your self.

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