Thank you all for your wonderful input!

I feel better now. It wasn't easy. Things don't change in an instant, it's a lot of work looking into yourself, lots of analyzing. Even when you pinpoint the problem, the next step is fixing it.

I think for me two things were of crucial importance.

1. Realizing that I don't have to perfect and it's ok to be imperfect. And that perfection is basically judgment, it's a made up idea and it is based on comparison. So I tried to stop comparing myself to others.

2. Something my therapist said to me - that self criticism and low self esteem is not natural, it is a program that was put into our heads by our parents, friends, tv, the environment and also ourselves. The natural state of mind is loving yourself and being yourself, and accepting yourself - how do I know that? Because that's how children are, that's our natural state.