Hmmm. I met another boy. Ok, he is a man, he is soon to be 50, someone I like for a variety of reasons, but, well, we clicked. To make a somewhat long story short, he isn't interested in having a relationship now as he recently got divorced from his long-term partner and he is busy with work, kids (he has 4 boys!) and all sorts of things.


Thing is, I get it, but this guy hasn't made me feel this way about someone since 2008.


So now I am sad, quite sad, really.


I have met a lot of men this year, many of which have the things I am looking for, but there is always something. The last guy had Borderline Personality Disorder. The one before that was married and I refused to have an affair.This dude is in a bad head space but he hasn't re established contact with me.


I have been single for a long time. My last boyfriend ended our relationship abruptly in 2009 and it is only now that I am truly open to meeting someone, well, until now, I guess. Just a bit of background: I am 45. Before dude who broke up with me in 2009, I was single for 10 years. It wasn't for lack of trying! I tried everything, even trying to settle for men that did nothing for me. I don't ever want to do that again!


So I know I can't settle. I am holding out for something real. Yeah, I believe in soulmates, I think it is possible to have more than one, too. I want a healthy relationship with mutual attraction, someone mature, we mutually support each other, we share values and interests (I love animals and travel, these are both very important things to me), who has a job and takes care of himself. WOw, basically, I am asking what I can give to the relationship. No relationship is perfect, that is so true, but people can grow in a loving relationship and work on their issues as well. There are, however, tons and tons of people who are mismatched and unhappy, perpetuating a cycle of dysfunction in their relationships.


Despite the fact that I am open to meeting someone, I must also live with the eventuality that I might not.

Why do I think that? Because I have been dating since 1985 and that, other than the 8-month relationship I had with that guy in 2009, really, there hasn'tbeen anything substantial other than flings. I have been in therapy, there really aren't huge intimacy issues with me, it would seem. My parents were loving, together until death, as were both sets of grandparents. I have been single, then, for 18 years, because my last long-term relationship of 5 years ended in 1998.


What makes me think that I would be able to meet someone now when I struggled so hard when I was young as well?!


Now the challenge is to accept that it might not happen and to deal with the grief and disappointment that that brings. It might happen too, but it also might not. I guess the solution is to be happy, to strive towards happiness and fulfillment, no matter what form my life takes.


Thankfully, I am attractive, smart, nice and surrounded by wonderful people I truly care about and who care about me, who are like-minded and fun. Life is amazing in that way. I also have this awesome career that is taking off in the direction I want it to go in. I am getting what I want once again and that truly makes me happy. It would be nice that that same energy could also be found in a relationship.

I guess I am letting go bit by bit. Finding a relationship is no longer the cornerstone of my life. I am not discounting it, I am still open to it, but I am also accepting that it might and trying to be free of cynicism.


So how do I accept that it might never happen?


My goal is to be happy, no matter what the circumstances. I want to just live, not have this be the focus of my life...but how to I stop from being sad and depressed and cynical about potentially being alone for the rest of my life?

Cause it is getting to that and I don't want it and I am afraid that no, there are no guarantees in life and no, there isn't someone for everyone. Some pots make perfectly delicious soup without a lid.