This is NOT a reflection of anything you've done or haven't done. His initial reaction to leaving the room was so off and now this revelation that he couldn't tell you in person about? Obviously he has some serious issues going on in his life because he can't manage the simple things like showing up for an appointment.

You're going to beat yourself up for this, but try to find ways to be kind to yourself. If anyone thought this was your fault, someone would say so and no one is going to because this is obviously HIS issue and nothing to do with you. We'd tell you if there was even a chance for that to be true.

Losing a therapist, even a crappy one, is going to break your heart or make it feel like someone has died. You WILL get through this.

Do you have any options for seeing someone in the immediate future to offer you support during this difficult time? I know you said your T was in a rural area so I imagine your options may be limited. It can be very healing just to hash things out with someone else, even if they don't end up being your permanent T.

Sorry this was so long. You are not alone, okay? Keep posting.