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yagr · Dec 11, 2015, 11:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rcat

I'm sure we've all been through it. Out of kindness we extend a charitable act to someone in need. But, that act backfires. Suddenly this person latches on to you, thinking you are now their best friend. They call repeatedly expecting you to do everything with them - AND FOR THEM.

My issue is I just have a problem saying 'no' and now feel myself roped into and obliged to help.

I recently reached out to a woman in my support group that hadn't shown up for a while. I just wanted to make sure she was okay. It turns out she isn't so I had her over for coffee. Note, she hasn't returned the favour. Instead she has been calling every day pleading for help: she needs a drive, she needs help cleaning her house, and so on. The worst are the hints she expects financial help (which she doesn't. I'm not giving her money for smokes, booze, and dope).

I feel trapped. She knows I do not work or have commitments I can use and excuse.

I can't even begin to think how I can get out of this mess.

rcat, I am sorry - and I don't have a solution but I offer the following which is a post I left on another board (my church board) to at least let you know you aren't alone. It's long, but I hope recognition makes you smile.

Quote:

Funny how we, and by we I mean 'me', create a great deal of our own problems. It's not a particularly terrible problem, but I've never developed the skills to figure out how to make it not a problem. I've mentioned before that I live in a rural, area that is predominantly staunch Republican, conservative, and evangelical Christian. In fact, the only person more popular than Sarah Palin around these parts is Kim Davis – and the bumper stickers and t-shirts that have materialized overnight, are calling for Mrs. Davis to run for President of the United States. That said, I don't fair much better in a more liberal and diverse atmosphere.

I love people. Hate being around them though. I alternate between deep compassion and, depending upon how much time I'm forced to spend in public, utter contempt. Everyone wants to make a connection with others – we need intimacy; but most people know more about Kim Kardashian than they do about themselves. How on earth can they share themselves with anyone if they don't even know themselves! The answer, it seems to me, is that they make connections with others who have an intimate knowledge of Kim K. or the Dallas Cowboys or the Beatles...and never catch on to the fact that there's really no personal connection present. Which is kind of a nice segue into my point...

My wife and I frequent the dollar store – everything for a buck, if you're unfamiliar. There's a young woman who works there as a cashier who is overtly friendly with us. She's got more baggage than a 747 jumbo jet, which admittedly works on my compassion nerve. No she hasn't told us, but she wears her abuse vividly and is incredibly transparent – at least to my wife and I. Anyway, one of us (Michelle or I) quoted a comedian we find funny the other day in line. The woman perked up even more. “I love him,” she gushed. Yesterday, on the way past her store, we stopped and lent her a DVD we have of a stand-up special he did. “I should have you guys over for dinner one of these days!” Because obviously we want to be friends because who does that? Who takes an almost complete stranger's idle comment, pays attention to it, and then goes out of their way to do something nice for her?
I don't want to be her friend. But I invited it. What else was she going to think? Here's a girl who faced some serious rejection in her life – and we're going to reject her idea of a friendship? She would have been better off if we had never come in her store. Or there's the guy at the gas station...

The manager was just unloading on the cashier as I came in. It's not the first time I've heard this manager unload on one of his employee's and not the first time I've ascertained that it was unwarranted. It was the first time I've seen one of his employees taking it so hard. The guy looked like he was about to cry as I approached the counter. My total game to twenty-one dollars and some change. I plopped a twenty dollar bill on the counter and waited. “Um,” he stammered, “you don't have enough.” I looked up at him in mock anger, just enough of a hint of a smile to insure he saw it and blustered, “I could have stayed in bed with my wife this morning if I wanted to hear that ****!” He was too distracted by the earlier events with his manager to figure it out so I helped him along... “Oh! You mean I don't have enough MONEY.” His hurt feelings forgotten for a moment, he laughed till he had tears running down his face. “Thank you, so much! You have no idea how much I needed to laugh just then.” Yeah. No idea.

But every time I go into the gas station these days, it seems he's on shift. He's so happy to see me. “We should hang out some time!” he says this last time...and I never want to go to that gas station again.

Really, it makes no difference whether I do or not. Eventually I'll cause the same reaction in the next gas station I go to. Or Dollar Store. Or restaurant. Or grocery store. It's been this way my whole life – but it's always worked out because I had a job I could travel with at will. Playing poker professionally has perks. Las Vegas gets too much, there's always Atlantic City...or L.A. Or the Mississippi gulf coast, or any one of a thousand other venues. Unfortunately, wherever I go – there I am. As many of you know, I'm stuck geographically now and can't move out of state. So I'm going to have to find a solution to this issue. I may be ready to listen if anyone wants to make a go at it.

Oh! Yeah, just recalled something else that's a bit more serious but it's the same issue. I think I mentioned...though I may have been gone with no internet at the time...that a fellow vet I know ended up falling off the wagon. When I arrived at his home I found him with a gun in one hand and a bottle of vodka in the other trying to figure out which one he wanted to put in his mouth next. My wife and I stayed with him; I stayed up with him talking and listening until he agreed to go to the V.A. Hospital a day or so later.

He's not my friend. He's just a guy who needed help and no one was there for him. To his mind, that makes me just about his best friend because “who else would do that?” ← his words. To me, he was just someone who needed help – help that I could give. I'm dodging invites and phone calls a few times a week now. I don't regret being there but I do rather regret the consequences. Thanks for reading.