TRIGGER sexual assault, suicide ...


12/4/15
Yesterday I was going to OD. I had HUSBAND put up the meds. HUSBAND and I talked about how we have not been taking care of ourselves. He wants to start going on dates with me next month. We’re going to fix things, HUSBAND doesn’t believe I want a divorce.I cried 3x yesterday and more today but I feel like I don’t care about anything.. I’m so tired, I don’t want to become depressed again. I’d rather quit while I’m ahead (I am safe). I’m really excited about christmas even if we do get divorced. I’m going to have a good holiday with them. I’d be the one to leave and wouldn’t go after custody of Miguel.
When I picked the “safe” jinga piece I thought of a little clearing in the woods near my house. We picked blackberries, and raspberries. My sisters and I never fought there. We’d run there when my parents came home from the casino. but it was still my safe place until I moved at 16.
HUSBAND is really working hard on keeping me engaged. He’ll even wait in bed until I get up. He’s having us eat breakfast and dinner and cook together. It’s annoying but he’s trying to keep my depression away and show he cares. I just want to be left alone.
12/11/15
Okay I admit I’m probably depressed and vaguely suicidal (I’m safe) not enough to act on it but I don’t care anything anymore. Which is I guess a step up. I called the medline Monday and still have no call from them. I spent most of the week crying. I took a klonopin to calm down but it just put me to sleep. I’ve stopped crying the last two days.
My friend convinced me I’m depressed and I don’t want a divorce. He reminded me how much my vows mean to me. That we’ve both (HUSBAND and I) have been unwell and it’s me trying to see if the boys can be okay without me. He linked my suicidal thoughts (I’m safe) with wanting a divorce. He doesn’t like how much I’m sleeping so much so that he wants me to paint when I’m tired. I’m painting a lot, it’s ****** though.It feels like there’s a heavy weight on my chest. I wanted to ask the med-line if I can raise my effexor but no one called. I don’t want to end up in the hospital again.


Am I forgetting anything? Anything I should think about? write about?