Well the subject says it all. Today was my 6th ( I think) appointment with my new T, my 4th overall. I went into it wanting to cry, and thankfully I did. I first was told by my T that she read my story, and I was a wonderful writer, she then went on to ask me questions. Basicly my therapist thinks I have a true chemical imbalance, there is no signs of abuse to her, no cause for it, and since I've had it ALL my life, there is almost no sign of relieving my pain. She's right.

I began crying from the get go as I thought to myself. I'm 17 why do I seek love? Answer: its all that I hvaent tried in such a short period of time. Thats just 1 question of many, I had so many thoughts running through my head another being Does she care? Why can't I look into her eyes? If I cry what will happen? ...gosh I'm doing a horrible job of explaining myself ,I dont even understand.

My T asked me if I'm having sexual identity issues, she asked who I had sexual fantasy's with men or women? I didnt answer but not because i couldnt...i was afraid. I've always found women attrative but I hate most men, and I am a man. I find men extremely less sensative, lustful, and alot of other things, but I KNOW thats not true for all, I'm just basing on a majority that I've met,..but I'm only 17. Altho I do have some sexual fantasy with males it just doesnt make sense to me. She also hit the nail on the head when she said I'm looking for someone who "gets" me...not loves me...not is my friend...but "gets" me...whilst loving me and being my friend....

All and all I'm still in tears inside...but its all locked up...I'm also consird that I find my T attrative ,...all these are just more problems to add to the big one..DEPRESSION...ty for reading god bless you..

love Dustin