I can't access treatment because I'm still a minor and I'm hiding my depression from my parents, whom I am almost entirely sure would react exceptionally poorly if I tried to say I had depression. Eventually I will have to tell them, but I don't want to do that until I am a legal adult and can legally make my own decisions. When I tell them I need to not be still tied down by them. That's why I have to wait on therapy, which is what I know I need and do want very much.

Until then it's just me and two friends, one with depression and the other with social anxiety, trying to hold everything together on our own.

The behavior I mainly was talking about is one my best friend (the one who's helping me but has depression himself) has called me on in the past. I always tell him that I know this is bad but I don't know how to stop it on my own and so if it means he doesn't want to be friends with me then I didn't blame him for it but he should just go. Half the time I actually just tell him to leave either way, so that I won't have a chance to hurt him.

The root of every incidence like this has been that I am incapable of turning my brain off. Literally. I cannot do it. Every waking moment I am thinking of something. As a child I was confused by a sentence in a book that said "she stared out the window, thinking of nothing" because I had no idea how that could be possible.

Consequently I overanalyze things a lot. A lot of the time I'll ask my best friend here a question, and he'll answer, and I'll then spend the next few hours or even days thinking about it until I come at a conclusion he never meant for me to draw. Sometimes it only takes a few seconds for me to reach that conclusion, just because I'm so good at distorting information these days. He says that's like always asking leading questions and that if there was something I was trying to get at then I should just say it instead of trying to ask manipulating questions. I say that I never mean for them to be manipulating when I ask them, but that they become so later on and I don't know how to stop that process.

He really should have left by now. It visibly hurts him every time I do this. Hurting him kills me. He just always pushes past it but, here's the analyzing again, he pushes every emotion he has down. He suppresses them. That's his maladatptive coping mechanism. So what if all that hurt is still there and he just refuses to admit it? What if one day I hit some kind of limit, and he can't take any more?

Why do I have to keep doing things like this? I don't want to be. I want to stop. He says that honestly a lot of my depression probably stems from that same can't-shut-my-brain-off problem and that if I went to therapy that's the first thing we'd work on.

I hate all forms of manipulation and yet I am manipulative. I can't stop it. Believe me, I've tried. I can't do it. This is just how I am, unless some form of therapy can fix me.

I'm hurting my best friend.

I am a really horrible person and I hate myself for it but I can't change. Why is he still here? Why does he still help me? He should have left by now. I'm toxic. I'm going to hurt him. Hell, I already have.