I feel like I should punish myself. I don't really know how, I just feel like I want to do something that my boyfriend will see and know the pain I'm in. But the other half of me wants to go home after work and drink and smoke until I pass out so I don't have to face him at all.
But whenever I think like this, I don't feel the same by the time I get home. And it bothers me for some reason. I feel like I should still look broken, because I am. I wish I didn't have feelings like hunger or boredom, I feel like nothing should distract me from feeling bad about what I did.